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Mace & Crown | June 28, 2017

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Faux News is Good News: Donald Trump Buys The Rights to Lynyrd Skynyrd Hit.

George Plank
Staff Writer

The music industry was rocked yesterday when television show host and presidential hopeful Donald Trump announced that he had recently acquired the rights to the song “Free Bird” by the band Lynyrd Skynyrd in perpetuity.

The announcement came via Future President Trump’s personal twitter. “I made plans. That’s what a president does. Now ‘Free Bird’ will be the most patriotic song in America.”

Donald Trump’s Campaign Manager, Corey Lewandowski, clarified Mr. Trump’s comments in a press conference shortly after the tweet went live.

“Mr. Trump’s investment in the song is anything but financially driven. He sees a bigger and better America that can be made great again. Mr. Trump wants the song to be for the people and he plans to make it the Unite State’s national anthem should he win the bid for president.” Lewandowski said.

According to Gary Rossington, guitarist and founding member of the band Lynyrd Skynyrd, Trump had been trying to acquire the rights to the song since his first presidential attempt in 2012.

“Even then he had some odd ideas for what to do with our music. He had, at one time, proposed to replace the moment of silence in all American schools with ‘Sweet Home Alabama’.” Rossington said.

Trump has made it explicitly clear what he wants done with the song. In schools and places of business the four minute single version will be played. At sporting events and official functions the nine minute album version will be played. It will also be played at Olympic medal ceremonies one of the 14 minute live versions will be played. This, allegedly, to make other countries a little more self-conscious about coming in second place.

Many of trump’s supporters are endorsing the proposed change leading to such insightful comments as: “Finally a national anthem that I know the second verse to!” “What does spangled even mean anyway?” and “Now when I’m at a concert I can yell ’Play the anthem!’”