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Mace & Crown | April 29, 2017

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Faux News is Good News: Fort Knox Houses New Backing of US Dollar

George Plank
Staff Writer

Over the past decade, many Americans have grown wary of the stability of the U.S. economy. After the depression caused by 2007’s housing crisis, many Americans have had to live in the aftermath of the recession and struggle to make ends meet. For years, most Americans have grown distrustful with the federal government and the treasury’s ability to maintain the U.S. economic standard. Many think that may never be possible ever since the U.S. completely abandoned the gold standard in 1971. However, Fort Knox recently opened their doors to a select group of reporters to assure the American public that their financial future is well secured.

Fort Knox has long been rumored to be the holding place of America’s gold supply. These rumors are well fortified in popular culture by films such as “Goldfinger” and the cult classic “Laurel and Hardy Meet the Military Police.” All those myths were soon put to rest when the doors finally opened and the group of reporters were let in.

“Frankly, I was shocked,” Zach Thompson, reporter for the Des Moines Penny Pincher said. “When they had told us that what was inside Fort Knox was the basis for the U.S. economy, I was justifiably worried, but after seeing what was inside I can safely say that America shall continue to be the most prosperous country on Earth.”

What lies within Fort Knox’s guarded rooms wasn’t any precious metal or currency, but everyone agreed that it was just as valuable: ’90s collectors items. From floor to ceiling of Fort Knox was the largest collection of Beanie Babies and Pogs the world over. Shelves upon shelves were dedicated to crates holding original generation Pokemon cards. To put the amount into perspective, if someone were to go to every yard sale, thrift store and swap meet in the nation for a yea,r they wouldn’t have one one-thousandth of the Beanie Babies that Fort Knox has.

Many financial analysts among the group have said that the U.S. couldn’t have picked a better substitute for the gold standard. Years into the future, this commodity will only increase in value and eventually the U.S. can sell them back to another country at a ridiculous profit.

Already, reports are flooding in in which the U.S. is using our new medium of exchange to cause waves. The U.S. recently paid a quarter of its debt to China with 10 millennium bears still in their cases, a complete set of Hulk Hogan Pogs and a holographic Charizard Pokemon card.

After the news broke, many Americans polled stated they were able to sleep easy at night knowing that their hard earned money was backed by a standard with so much stability to it. Above all else, it has given collectors the world over hope in the knowledge that one day their curios, collectables and knick-knacks could one day back an entire government.