Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image

Mace & Crown | October 23, 2017

Scroll to top

Top

No Comments

April Fool's: Engineering Club Creates First Fully Functional College Student

April Fool’s: Engineering Club Creates First Fully Functional College Student
George Plank
Staff Writer

On Wednesday, March 20, 2016, members of ODU’s advanced technologies club presented their newest invention before a panel of top scientists the country over. They declared that their new invention would completely change the way that people see the average college student. With that, they proudly presented IT.

IT, which stands for “Invested Transfer,” was initially created as a simple study aid.

“Our original goal was to create an artificial intelligence to assist us with our homework,” said Thomas Bell, Old Dominion Senior and founder of the team that brought IT to fruition.

“IT was designed to have perfect recall to any notes that would have been taken in class,” Bell said. “After a few weeks of classroom based testing, IT began to display some unusual behavior. IT started staying out later and bringing friends home. It was then we knew we were onto something big.”

this is IT

“It’s truly amazing,” said Filbert Ghasted, reporter for the magazine Popular Mad Science & Stream. “IT can complete all of its classwork, maintain an active social life and still get a full night’s sleep. It even complemented me on my new haircut. My own roommate didn’t even notice yet.”

IT is expected to receive a solid 3.5 GPA and attend his friend’s cousin’s quinceanera. IT hopes to one day completely assimilate the college lifestyle, however IT is finding it difficult to maintain a B average while also being completely apathetic.

“We are taking IT back to the lab for further upgrades,” Bell said. “IT is far from perfect. IT can’t hold his oil very well and we have a team working around the clock to introduce IT to the concept of binge watching. We haven’t made much progress in that section yet. IT wants to get fresh air and exercise between episodes. We clearly have a long way to go.”